This girl -I

This girl is still confused with the ways of life. She has so many whys?,so many of her questions are still left unanswered. She wonders as to whether all the questions have answers.

Yes! She knows some questions don't have answers…but she never asked questions that did not have answers, never asks such questions, all she needed was an answer to her simple questions and that also she did not get(how hurt was she, only she knew!).

She has so many things inside her that at times she feels all her pent up feelings,thoughts,wishes,dreams would explode any moment and that the explosion would be so massive that she is afraid the blown up pieces would be strewn everywhere and try as much as she may to find the strewn pieces she would not find them(her heart is thudding so much with such thoughts).

She is a simple, fun loving, frank, dance lover, song lover, heart full of love kinda girl,she believes in 'happily ever afters',she has watched so many such stories in movies (still watches),she had read so many such things in books (still reads).

She believes in 'love at first sights'but people often mistook her frankness, her fun loving character with disdain, question marks, and raised eyebrows and she is often left with tears, tears and more tears,tears are her constant companion. She sheds silent tears every night unbeknown to everyone who knows her for she is a master in masquerading her tears,she always presents her bubbly side to others,a different facade.

The one she loved also let her shed so many such tears often times she looked at herself in the mirror…and saw a glazed blank pale image(as if an evil, invisible force has snatched away all her smiles, her happiness , her bubbly nature).

She had often asked him questions too, simple straightforward ones and all she got from him was "some questions don't have answers" and here she thought her questions were simple, indeed it was simple!!!

"Don't you love me"? she would say and his answer as always would be "I do"(well then you all must be thinking what is wrong with her?)…well…love for him is "not call her", "not meet her", "not pick up her calls", "always keep his cell unreachable", she asks the above questions only in the mails she sends him because it is only in the mails he replies and that also the chances of his reply are once in a million, but though once her face spreads into this biG BiG...smile (as his mail would show he misses her...loves her and wants her to wait...so on and forth) but after that …she is yet again left with questions.

If he so loves her, what is holding him back? Why can't he call her once? Why can't he spare a minute of his time (60 secs?)...Is he a married guy?....if so why can't he be forthright? (why is he keeping her in darkness?). She had indeed asked him such questions a million times but each time she was left with her own set of questions, rivulets of tears would just then flow from her eyes and leave a trail mark on her face, her face would show such agony that should you see her then you would have tears in your eyes and cried your heart out too!

In him she believed the' love at first sight' phrase, she took in him her prince charming because the moment she laid her eyes on him she wished and included him in her dreams, thoughts, smiles… and she gave her heart. She didn't give her heart easily(and no her heart was not meant for every Tom, Dick and Harry),he had assured the same thing to her then(alas!for him it was just words, she realized it a little too late but we know it is never too late to start things all over again right?)



(Author's note: in the sequel, we see her tears subsiding)

Her Story-I

She believed in FATE, still does.

Her fate brought her close to him or so she thought.

She doesn't know how and why but the instant she laid her eyes on the pictures of him on one of the networking sites, she wished for him to call her, she just knew his name and the name got printed in her heart. She had no hope of course because she was a stranger to him and vice-versa. No clue as such. So she had just wishes and wish she did to the almighty GOD.

An unknown number calling, she picks up. An unknown male voice on the other end says 'hi there,

she responds saying wrong number and cuts off the call. A ring again from the same number, this time she is angry, hellow? (her tone is harsh), the voice immediately says are u such and such….working in XYZ? 

Her tone changes as she gives an affirmative note to his questions. This time she asks who is on the other line?...he says I m such and such working in XYZ, and her heart gives a sudden flip, a sudden cry of joy hearing the name (her heart pace increases), she is not sure she heard it right, come again says she…and this time with the same answer she pinches herself to see whether or not she is dreaming! (Aww...she feels the pinch).

She is shocked beyond words and meanings …how is it possible...did God really hear her this time? Is he the same person she wished for? Finding out he really is the same person she wished for, her faith in the almighty GOD deepens, her believe in the FATE thing deepens too! 

For a moment, no words come out; she thinks she has lost her voice. Only when he says… you there? She replies…yes and feels she squeaked.

Then after, her joy knew no bounds. They used to call each other constantly. But one gnawing question, where did he get my number?...was eating her up , she had been meaning to ask him but every time she forgot.

So during one such call, she asks him and he says it is a secret and that he will reveal it sometime later, she agrees. After many such calls they decide to meet and in person he looked more of everything in her eyes. She felt intimidated by his height and happy too, GOD he was tall!

After reading all those romantic (M&B) novels, she had wished for a tall, dark and handsome guy and there he filled her wish…coz he was definitely tall, dark and handsome!

Once he had even rolled a Nu.50 note and made it in a shape of a ring and slipped it on her ring finger, saying soon I am going to replace it with a real one, her happiness knew no limits.

She had a bounce in her steps, a smile on her lips and a sparkle in her eyes!

But her happiness was short –lived.

Once she made a visit to his Office upon his insistence. He was so lovey-dovey and she felt content with the love he had for her. She had forgotten to check her mails that morning and she asks his permission to use his PC for a while, he agrees to that and says while you are checking your mails I will get us steaming cuppa tea. She blows him a kiss as he walks out of his Office.

Maybe god wanted her to see it (but why?). He had forgotten to log out and there a picture, a girl's picture and a mail from the same girl? She reads the mail, at the top it is written acho, (whew! she relaxes and smiles) but as she reads, tears start forming in her eyes, one blink and it silently rolls down her cheeks. 

How could he was all she thought as she gazed transfixed on the blurred screen.

WHY?

WHY?!

I do not remember a single moment where I have not been hurt.

Why does a moment of happiness bring forth a series of unhappiness?

Every day I wish for good things to happen, but why the contrary?

What bad deeds must I have done in my previous life?

Why do such things always happen in my life? Is it the same with others?

Be it in studies, love and friendship, why am I the one being HURT always?

Now that the study part is over, I thought love would come and embrace me...and I mean TRUE LOVE…the GENUINE KIND.

But why do I always meet the wrong ones, the fake ones, and the cheats?

What is it, dear GOD?

Having a simple heart is very difficult. I guess they can see right through me and find me an easy target.

I always thought I was "the miss know it all" in such matters of heart, but boy, was I wrong.

Should I believe in meeting the wrong ones until the "right one for you"?

If meeting the 'wrong ones before the right one' is necessary, why must this heart hurt so much?"

Of course with time everything fades away; the hurt heart, the "wrong ones", the oh! so many tears too!

But that very moment, your heart rules your mind. The heart is superior, and you lose your ability to think clearly.

You feel everything around you has collapsed and that you will never be the same.

Your world is black and bleak; it has lost all its colors. You wish and hope "the one for you" comes along and color your world with hues of yellow, red, green, blue, pink,…

They say sorrow is a great teacher, indeed it is! Yet with time you tend to forget 'what happened'.

You start anew and the next instance the very same things happen (the lies, tears, unhappiness…), you feel life has cheated you again! Life has made a fool out of you! Life has fooled you again!

Tears accompany your life again. Your life is robbed of happiness. Your heart breaks into a million pieces-pieces which you feel will never be found. Even if they are found and put together the heart would look like someone has solved a jigsaw puzzle (with all the wavy lines)…

Why must such things happen in my life?

The cycle goes on...but why is unhappiness always on the winning side?

Why can't happiness have the upper hand in my life?

Awww…questions are many and answers are a few and feeble...

Dear God! Let me and all have laughter-filled life!

(Author's Note: just random thoughts when in one of my 'BLUE' moods)